Soul cookies

I wish I didn't live my life in perpetual obligation. It comes down to my low self-esteem. My self-esteem can be compared to a bowl of pre-baked cookie dough; after the cookies have been put in the oven and the overweight twelve year-old got a hold of it. You can see at one point there was a lot, but now there's just some wet flour stuck to the sides.

In this particular instance, I'm bitching about borrowing books from friends. When friends recommend books to me, it's bittersweet. I love reading a great book, especially if it's been referred to me by a friend. I hate reading a shitty book that a friend liked. I have no problem declaring my distaste for the book to my friend, however, I feel like i have to read through the entire piece of crap if I want my opinion to be valid. What if the best part of the book is in the last 5 pages and I miss out on it because I'm being snooty about my literature. I wouldn't be able to live with myself.

My sister bought me the Twilight series for Christmas a couple of years ago. For the month of January 2009, I powered through all four books, page by shitty page. I really wanted to like the books because I wanted my sister and I to connect on this. I imagined our mid-20's sleepover; discussing plot points and inventive vocabulary. Unfortunately, the author didn't own a thesaurus and was stuck with only one repetitive word to describe the main character; beautiful. I wanted to carve my eyes out with a melon baller. It still infuriates me today that those books are best sellers, but this is the state of our country. The world thinks Americans are idiots and we have proven them right, once again.

I've become laden with guilt. I love my sister dearly, but I felt terrible for not only NOT liking Twilight but loathing it. But because I have literally read every single page of the series; from Bella giving off her differentiating stink to carrying her vampire baby and then prostituting it out to the werewolves, I am absolute in my mal-opinion of the books. However, it is my obligation to my sister and not myself, that I put myself through that abuse. If I had any self-respect, I would have stopped reading after the first few pages. And after reading the series, the bowl is nearly clean.