Simple steps toward America's utopia. Step 1:

Voluntary Sterilization

Offer $4,000 to anyone 18 and older to become sterilized.

Here's why:

People who can't afford kids keep shitting out kids. Then these families rely on government programs for assistance, placing a greater burden on taxpayers. A fee of $4k may sound like a lot to offer someone up front, but in the long run it's going to save this country billions. Additionally, this fee is going to appeal to the demographic we don't want fucking in the first place. Inattentive, irresponsible parents are the bain of every human's existence. Their children grow up in the same regard, and the cycle continues.

What is the harm in offering people money to not do what they shouldn't be doing in the first place?

Nonsensical Bullshit

I'm at work and all I want is a diet Coke. Just one little bottle of diet Coke. So I take my buck twenty-five and mosey into the break room. I'm standing in front of the vending machine when this dude saddles up and says in some funky accent, "Can I bother you?" What? Where am I? Am I wearing a mini-skirt? Glitter on my eyes? Is Okenfold pumping through the speakers? "No. No, you cannot bother me." And he apologizes and steps aside. I'm pissed, but instead of punching that guy in the face and running away, I'm forced to stand there and wait for my soda to drop. I'm pissed. I'd consider going to HR, except I don't know who the fuck this guy is. Who let this nutjob in the building? I'm assuming he's in one of the new training classes because I haven't seen him before, and with manners like that, I can't assume he'll be here long. I'm assuming by your funky English that this is not your first language. And from that I can deduce that this is not your primary culture. In which case, here's a tip: Don't hit on people you work with, Dickmouth!

Sad reality

I am perpetually confused and appalled by the people in this state. I just spent 25 minutes of my lunch listening to the girl at the next table explain how she's not sure she wants to get pregnant to get back with her ex. This seems to be a fairly common tactic for women here. Although, they haven't seemed to have caught on that it doesn't really work. Which is why so many young people have so many kids. There should be additional taxes instead of tax breaks for children. We should not be encouraging this behavior.

I've encountered numerous chicks here, all fairly young (early 20's) who have multiple children with multiple men and have had multiple marriages. What the fuck is going on in this goddamn state? And because overpopulating is the state sport, I'm forced to hear the ramblings of every person I meet gush about their kids. I don't care about your goddamn kids! Your kids aren't special; they're like everybody else's kids. Please get a real hobby so we can have a real conversation.

Dipping my toe back in the N.D. waters

This was something I'd intended to post a while ago...

So Amazon.com offered me the job yesterday. I was both relieved and disappointed. I'm not terribly anxious to start a full-time desk job again. Today was orientation. While doing our icebreaker (oh god, am I really doing an ice breaker?) I found myself scoffing at everyone's 'fun fact'. One guy said this: "And my fun fact: football." What does that mean? How is your fun fact a noun? Perhaps I should have offered 'sky' as my fun fact, or 'renewable energy'. These are nouns, not facts. There was one guy who seemed as if he may be interesting but he's not even in my training group. However, there does seem to be a plethora of non-interesting people in my training group. Oh--the HR guy this morning (super cute red-cheeked typical ND guy) got an unintended dose of the bitchiness festering just below the surface. The conversation went like this: After handing him my CA drivers license, "California, huh? What are you doing here?" Me: "Ughhhhhhh!" That was it. Just a throaty groan. I didn't even want to be mean to him. But alas. Then during orientation, Amazon catered lunch which consisted of enough pizza to feed Darfur. The thought of people lining up to be mass fed made me angry, so I had an apple out in the car. I have vowed, during my time spent in ND, to never eat fast food, never eat in the car, and never eat at a buffet. Some of why I was unhappy before had to have to do with all the bullshit I ate. Casey thinks I'm crazy but I'm looking around this city and the chicks here are FAT. While I was in France I had 2 different doctors tell me I was fat and needed to lose weight. I cannot imagine what their words for these girls would be. And I find it interesting the different ways these girls try to individualize themselves. Generally I find it's with bad hair cuts and shitty dye jobs. Who are you? Who are you? (said in the wispy voice of the anorexic chick from Drop Dead Gorgeous).

If you don't have anything interesting to say, don't say anthing at all.

There is a creepo at work who will begin conversations with me that may or may not relate to anything being said or done at the moment. I have been quizzed on a range of topics including: what type of tea do I drink, how many candles do I have in my apartment, what kind of car do I drive and why don't I go into advertising. Short of not responding, I am quite sure that I'm exuding a rather potent air of disinterest, leading me to believe this dude really just can't sit and shut it or loves being silently but overtly demeaned. I'm trying to adhere to workplace etiquette whereas I show everyone respect. How about showing me a little respect and quit interrupting my lunch with your inane chatter!?

I work in an environment that must spawn people like this. There's a pregnant chick who likes to join me for lunch and breaks and talk about absolutely nothing. She's one of these who will ask you a question just so she can answer it. And she'll make uninteresting comments like, "I love seeing pregnant women." Hmmm. That's a very not interesting statement. I am absolutely sick of this bullshit silence-filler. This is a call to arms. We cannot encourage this behavior. If someone begins talking about something boring (this includes the weather), you must IGNORE them. This is how we handle children who are throwing fits to get our attention and this is how we must handle adults who are making fatuous comments to keep our attention. Grown-ups must learn to have a conversation! Kids would never sit and engage one another if the convo fell flat, they would find a more interesting companion. I suggest we all do the same.

Another moronic encounter

A chick at work, who regularly feeds from the vending machine at lunch, declared Mexico to be overseas. I pointed out, tactfully of course, that to get to Mexico there is no sea to cross. She paused for a moment and emphatically declared that anywhere that is not in the United States is considered 'overseas' to her.

Everyday is a lesson in humility. Every single fucking day.

Moronic encounters

In my training class, there is a dude that drives me bonkers. He is the posterchild for stupidity. Here's a few of my gripes: he pronounces height as heighth, falls asleep during training, makes assanine quips and my favorite of all (and this is the one that began my silent fuming): he's expecting 2 kids. They're not twins.

Also, in my training class is this idiots female equivalent. She has boldly and unashamedly confessed to burning down her own house and has taken advantage of Rainforests* requirement that you have at least a high school diploma OR equivalent to be hired. She scoots in under the 'or equivalent.'

My trainer may be intelligent, but that is greatly overshadowed by just how annoying he is. He has a soundboard with, seemingly, ONE sound. And he takes advantage of that sound, even when not applicable. For example, in the middle of an online activity, the class would hear "That was easy" 12 times, without absolutely any prompting. One day I tallied, 19 'That was easy's' in 18 minutes. Plus, he likes to engage in conversations with the training assistance about breastmilk. Hello, HR? Yes, I'll be needing your assistance in Training Room A.

Which brings me to my next point; I, in general, am an HR nightmare. I have a very hard time using the filter at work. It's not that I can't distinguish between appropriate and inappropriate, but I won't adhere to a sexual harrassment policy at the expense of great comedy. So if an off color comment about your jugs is due, I'll be the first pipe up. Having said this, I cannot keep track of all the bullshit I hear and cringe at. Is describing something as 'gay' that clearly isn't gay but rather a waste of time, not offensive? What about the chick wearing clothing that is clearly designed for juniors; where skin is falling out of places that should be secured? Either I've become more conservative, or I've yet to encounter this brand of offensive.

I'm finding it difficult to adjust to 9-5 call center life again. For 2 years, I was able to choose who I surrounded myself with and didn't have to 'get along' with someone for the sake of my job. I'm not sure if a steady paycheck is worth all the mental energy I spend berating the morons around me. We'll see...

*name changed to save my ass from getting fired in the off-chance this blog is ever discovered by the appropriate authority