Step 4

Our society is somewhat designed to save us from ourselves. This is why drugs are illegal and it's against the law to jay walk. Our society panders to the lowest common denominator and we're all stupider because of it. In the true spirit of Darwinism, and continuing with my utopian society ideal, I propose that we no longer offer medical attention to those who are the victims of their own bad decisions. This includes smokers who have developed lung cancer, fat people who have Type 2 Diabetes and all the Jackass dudes who put Matchbox cars up their ass and then need a doctor to pull it out. Even if you have health insurance, this is costly to our economy. Having to regulate your idiotic behavior is not only a strain on our economy but it weighs on our collective conscious. What's the statistic about how much America spends on the obesity problem? Millions? Billions? This is ridiculous. What morally 'should be' should no longer be forced on the citizens of America. We've been given autonomy (at least ideally), now let us sink or swim.

Step 3

Mandatory Euthanasia at 75.

You've lived a long, fruitful existence. Now get the hell off the planet. That's kind of the idea anyway. This comes with a caveat in your favor: Retirement begins at 60. And because the country is spending buttloads keeping people alive, you get to live in luxury your last 15 years. By luxury, I mean comfortably. I haven't quite worked out the specifics of the retirement but there's the skeletal plan.

This solution has several benefits. One being, the money we'll all save by not keeping old people alive. We get sick as we age. Even if we're in good shape, the body is shutting down, and trips to the doctor and perpetual prescriptions take it's monetary toll. And Ensure is not cheap, you don't want to have to budget for that kind of expense.

Also, there are a lot of weird feelings surrounding death; a lot of "why" questions. I'm not saying this plan will eliminate our need to grieve, but it will eliminate our need to make sense of it all. People get so selfish regarding their loved ones. When we're old and decrepit, sometimes we want to die. But our families insist that we cherish life. Well life has been cherished for 80+ years, your grandparent is living in an old folks home and hates it. Why are we content to torture our elderly?

People will live happier lives. How can we be happy knowing when our time is up? Because people tend to put things off for later. You've always wanted to go to Hawaii but the right time has never presented itself. If you know you've only got another 25 years on this planet, are you going to procrastinate getting your shit done? I don't think so. We encounter this method every day in our lives. If you have a paper that must be written but there's no due date, is this a priority? I can tell you from experience, that it's definitely not. Things of little importance will take priority over that goal (oh look! My bathtub needs a scrub. Wow, I haven't taken a Zumba class in ages. You get the idea.) Knowing our expiration date will force us to pursue our dreams. It'll also help us to recognize and appreciate everyone in our lives. We'll remember to tell our family how much we love them more often. And I think our tendency toward ageism will dissipate. How can you be mad at the old sloooowwww dude writing a check for his prune juice in front of you at the grocery? He's only got a few days left, leave him alone!

Won't it be comforting to know how you're going to die? Unless you get reckless at 70, you won't be falling down the stairs to break a hip and being left for dead (here's my fear) or suffering from heat stroke because your AC went out during a heat wave. You can plan a party a few days prior and take comfort in knowing a shot to in your arm will be painless. It's like anesthesia, but you never wake up. Now that doesn't sound so bad right?

Also, this is just an aside, we're not burying you. You're getting cremated. There isn't enough room on God's green earth to bury everyone who was ever born. It's so goddamn selfish to think that a space of land should be dedicated to you FOR ETERNITY.

Step 2

Employing the death penalty

Only recently have I been on board with the death penalty. I used to believe that the death penalty was wrong--what if those convicted are actually innocent? What if during the course of their sentence they find Jesus and are reformed?

I'm suggesting that those who have been sentenced to the death penalty actually receive it. Immediately. No decades-long appeals. The Manson murderers sat on death row for years, married, and then procreated. Now we have their spawn to contend with. At the very least, when you're on death row, you do not get the privileges of an ordinary citizen. You do not get to foster new relationships, you do not get to get married, and you certainly do not receive conjugal visits. You are relegated to prison sex for the rest of your term.

If you've been sentenced to the death penalty, then society has agreed that you do not deserve to live. So you should die. Like, the next day. It is far too costly to keep these assholes alive. An entire wing of a prison was built and devoted to JUST the Manson murderers, does that seem logical?

There is a special place in hell reserved for pedophiles and I think we should send them there as soon as possible. These perverts cannot be cured. The L.A. teacher that spoon-fed his semen to children is not going to, after years of therapy, see the err of his ways and no longer lust after kids. Sexual abuse perpetuates sexual abuse, so it's in our best interest to off these fuckers as quickly as possible. It's too costly, as a society, to "keep an eye" on them; for the government to make sure they are registered and the police to make sure they actually live where they are registered. Not to mention the energy parents devote to worrying about keeping their children safe in areas where these assholes are permitted to live. We just don't need the hassle. Unless we are studying them for scientific purposes, let's just get rid of them; put them out of their misery and ours.

Simple steps toward America's utopia. Step 1:

Voluntary Sterilization

Offer $4,000 to anyone 18 and older to become sterilized.

Here's why:

People who can't afford kids keep shitting out kids. Then these families rely on government programs for assistance, placing a greater burden on taxpayers. A fee of $4k may sound like a lot to offer someone up front, but in the long run it's going to save this country billions. Additionally, this fee is going to appeal to the demographic we don't want fucking in the first place. Inattentive, irresponsible parents are the bain of every human's existence. Their children grow up in the same regard, and the cycle continues.

What is the harm in offering people money to not do what they shouldn't be doing in the first place?

Nonsensical Bullshit

I'm at work and all I want is a diet Coke. Just one little bottle of diet Coke. So I take my buck twenty-five and mosey into the break room. I'm standing in front of the vending machine when this dude saddles up and says in some funky accent, "Can I bother you?" What? Where am I? Am I wearing a mini-skirt? Glitter on my eyes? Is Okenfold pumping through the speakers? "No. No, you cannot bother me." And he apologizes and steps aside. I'm pissed, but instead of punching that guy in the face and running away, I'm forced to stand there and wait for my soda to drop. I'm pissed. I'd consider going to HR, except I don't know who the fuck this guy is. Who let this nutjob in the building? I'm assuming he's in one of the new training classes because I haven't seen him before, and with manners like that, I can't assume he'll be here long. I'm assuming by your funky English that this is not your first language. And from that I can deduce that this is not your primary culture. In which case, here's a tip: Don't hit on people you work with, Dickmouth!

Sad reality

I am perpetually confused and appalled by the people in this state. I just spent 25 minutes of my lunch listening to the girl at the next table explain how she's not sure she wants to get pregnant to get back with her ex. This seems to be a fairly common tactic for women here. Although, they haven't seemed to have caught on that it doesn't really work. Which is why so many young people have so many kids. There should be additional taxes instead of tax breaks for children. We should not be encouraging this behavior.

I've encountered numerous chicks here, all fairly young (early 20's) who have multiple children with multiple men and have had multiple marriages. What the fuck is going on in this goddamn state? And because overpopulating is the state sport, I'm forced to hear the ramblings of every person I meet gush about their kids. I don't care about your goddamn kids! Your kids aren't special; they're like everybody else's kids. Please get a real hobby so we can have a real conversation.

Dipping my toe back in the N.D. waters

This was something I'd intended to post a while ago...

So Amazon.com offered me the job yesterday. I was both relieved and disappointed. I'm not terribly anxious to start a full-time desk job again. Today was orientation. While doing our icebreaker (oh god, am I really doing an ice breaker?) I found myself scoffing at everyone's 'fun fact'. One guy said this: "And my fun fact: football." What does that mean? How is your fun fact a noun? Perhaps I should have offered 'sky' as my fun fact, or 'renewable energy'. These are nouns, not facts. There was one guy who seemed as if he may be interesting but he's not even in my training group. However, there does seem to be a plethora of non-interesting people in my training group. Oh--the HR guy this morning (super cute red-cheeked typical ND guy) got an unintended dose of the bitchiness festering just below the surface. The conversation went like this: After handing him my CA drivers license, "California, huh? What are you doing here?" Me: "Ughhhhhhh!" That was it. Just a throaty groan. I didn't even want to be mean to him. But alas. Then during orientation, Amazon catered lunch which consisted of enough pizza to feed Darfur. The thought of people lining up to be mass fed made me angry, so I had an apple out in the car. I have vowed, during my time spent in ND, to never eat fast food, never eat in the car, and never eat at a buffet. Some of why I was unhappy before had to have to do with all the bullshit I ate. Casey thinks I'm crazy but I'm looking around this city and the chicks here are FAT. While I was in France I had 2 different doctors tell me I was fat and needed to lose weight. I cannot imagine what their words for these girls would be. And I find it interesting the different ways these girls try to individualize themselves. Generally I find it's with bad hair cuts and shitty dye jobs. Who are you? Who are you? (said in the wispy voice of the anorexic chick from Drop Dead Gorgeous).